Oh no.
Please don’t make me get up.
Wow, why does my head feel like it was hit by a truck and put back together by toddlers with chubby fingers?
And just why?
Why do I do these things?
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy????????
It’s so painful.
The PAIN IN MY HEART is the worst.
When you know that you have blown it “as a mom” (because you don’t ever blow it in other arenas…), it really aches.
THAT type of hangover.
I had a fight with the youngest of my precious tribe. She is in the tween phase.
Need I say more?!
She is absolutely my JOY and I always-always say, “God knew I needed Kate. God knew our family needed Kate.” #truth
And then there are moments I could sell same child.
Anyways, she was the recipient of my Mommie-dearest moment.
And that night I felt HORRIBLE. Went to bed with a headache. Woke up with a headache.
I apologized and tried to have a productive discussion, but she was not ready.
So I’m self-flagellating all over again. It’s really fun. Wanna join me? Misery loves company.
I hate when this happens–when I know I said something that could remain in her memory forever and go to therapy with her when she is 30. Darn it. Darn it.
I picked up a new parenting book. Last year. Unfinished. In my ache and momentary-mom-funk, I picked it up again. Now that sounds like fun, right? But actually, I think it will help. It’s called No Drama Discipline, by authors Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
The central message of the book is:
“You really can discipline in a way (whole-brain, no-drama way) that is full of respect and nurturing, but that also maintains clear and consistent boundaries. You can discipline (teach) in a way that’s high on relationship, high on respect, and low on drama and conflict—and in the process, you can foster development that builds good relationship skills and improves your children’s ability to make good decisions, think about others, and act in ways that prepare them for lifelong success and happiness.”
All this has confronted me with the truth that I still have to grow and learn SOOO MUCH in parenting, although my kids are 12 1/2 , 14 1/2, and 17 1/2.
(Yes, I added the halves 😉 ).
I am also confronted with the fact that I care A LOT about what my kids think of me. Probably too much.
What is their opinion of me as a mom? What will they say when they grow up? Am I a total screw up mom? What will scar them? What negative things will they say to their friends? What will they unpack in therapy someday? When they are adults, will we be close?
Am I the only one who thinks this way and worries about this? My degree is in psychology and I’ve been to therapy myself, so maybe I know too much.
And not enough. Obv.
I know I do a lot of things RIGHT for them, but it is sooooo easy to focus on my mistakes. I must re-wire the tape in my head. NOW. And not dwell on this.
Ask for forgiveness and also forgive myself.
So… “they say” when you have a hangover from too much vino or whatever, throwing up is actually helpful. Get. It. Out.
I just did that with you all, dear friends, on an emotional level. I appreciate your listening to my venting.
Much love. Carry on.
Jill G. says
Always honest, always deep, always meaningful and always beautifully delivered. Thank you for sharing in exactly the way you do!
Kristin says
Sweet Jess! If that book doesnt work, try my favorite audible listen – A Survival Guide to Parenting Teens. Its my go-to, no appointment required, therapist.
Very bravely worded essay, momma. As always. You remind us all that parenting is not for the faint of heart. Always good to know we’re not alone in our journey to parent lovingly and responsibly.
Miss you!
Kiki Mantas says
Jess, I’ve had those moments too, and it feels downright terrible . Makes me feel like I’m the worst mom in the world. The negativity swirls relentlessly inside of me until I’m ready to reflect & atone. Although, it doesn’t feel good, but we are showing our children our own humanity and imperfection. Our children aren’t perfect either and we still love them too. I hope you are feeling better! I’m sending you a big hug. You’re an amazing mom and human being 🙂
David says
Wow. Our family knows this esp with our 13 year old. Why is it never talked about if more of us go through it.
Thank you for sharing and so well written
Silvia DEPUKY says
Jessica, I can tell you are feeling pretty awful, but please don´t be hard on yourself. I think you are the best mom and have a lot on your plate. Often we have to stand our ground! It will make you stronger and Kate will surely appreciate it sometime in the future. I remember being tough and having fights with my kids ( not often, thank God!) and going into my alone spot to cry my heart out. Sending you lots of hugs! God loves you and a lot of moms out there, including me, love you too!