Where is the balance between showing and sharing your illnesses to your kids, and/or not?
I am going on 8 weeks with this SKIN & SCALP THING.
Makes me feel all itchy-witchy-b*tchy.
No. It’s not lice. (Eww!)
No. It’s not bed bugs. (Double eww!)
No. It’s not scabies. (Gross. Don’t even!)
No. I haven’t changed laundry detergents, soaps, or lotions.
No. I don’t take any medications except Synthroid for my hypothryroidism.
Let’s get that all out up front.
I won’t bore you with the details of my itchy/hives-y/rashy skin.
How it started, or the progression, or the eternal list of creams and meds I’ve tried or AM still trying. I will spare you that.
I will say–I have had 17 appointments in these past weeks.
17.
Attempts to diagnose, rule out causes, follow up, and prescribe, and treat. Including acupuncture.
I’ve had my blood drawn 5 times. Some of this I advocated for because no one was being aggressive about figuring this out. Gotta fight for yourself. (And I must must thank my dear friend, Jenn, who I’ve texted almost daily, who’s a PA/expert in asthma and allergy in Oregon. A thousand hugs to you Jenn!)
I’ve been to the pharmacy weekly. When I walk into Rite-Aid, as the sliding doors part ways, I hear everyone who works there exclaim, in sing-song-unison, “Hello Jessica! You’re back again?!?” (Not really. I’m lying.)
I don’t have time for this. ANY time. There is no margin for 17 appointments. I keep telling myself this and any one close to me so “lucky” to hear me vent.
I don’t get sick.
I don’t get sick-sick.
I don’t go to doctors often.
My medical history is soooo boring: appendectomy at age 17, headaches, menstrual cramps, colds, laryngitis, hypothyroidism (that has hardly been symptomatic or problematic at all).
I’m healthy. So healthy. (I’M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!)
So what the heck?
I’m a busy mom of three, keeping all the plates spinning high, while still advocating mommy-breaks and creative outlets. I’m no mommy martyr doing everything for everyone else, with no time for self. But I don’t have time for this.
And this itchy skin and scalp thing is so frustrating, and crazy-making. I feel very preoccupied with it. I could handle pain everyday much better. I think. And it could be so much worse. Yes, I think of that all the time.
Where am I going with this? I could go in many directions, but since this is a MOM-BLOG, here…
Where is the balance between showing my kids how miserable I’m feeling (especially past 2-3 weeks) and keeping up strong, capable, undaunted appearances?
I’m a big believer in transparency with kids—to an extent. I don’t try to be perfect mom, (ok, maybe in my head), or project perfection and calm in all circumstances. As in: never showing upset emotions, never bickering with Chris, never complaining when I have a migraine or tough day.
How do I show humanness but not let them feel like I am not their pillar of strength mom? I want them to always feel and know that I am solid, stable, HERE, always for THEM. Which I am.
In this itchy-skin-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-with-my-body-season, I’ve tried to be open, but shielding them from the fact of 17 appointments, and seeing specialists to rule out serious (?) causes. And if it were found to be skin cancer, or liver disease (I don’t think so), what then? I don’t think I’d share that.
I don’t want them to be worried.
I don’t want them to be burdened.
And sweet Ryan would be relentless with questions. Of course. 🙂
They are ages, 15, 12, and 10. If they were in their 20’s or 30’s, I’d be open. Very open. I don’t believe in parents shielding their health issues or crises. But don’t get me started. Or I may just go find my soap box in my closet and step up. Watch out!
I invite you to chime in here, family, friends, and dear blog-followers I adore.
-What do you do when you are sick, seriously sick, depressed, or anxious?
-What do you share with your kids?
-What do you shield your kids from?
And can we all just collectively say IT SUCKS when the mom is sick, but her job never ends????? Vent over.
Because it could be so much worse.
And for many mamas, their reality is incomprehensibly hard. Hard. Hard sh*t.
Let’s keep perspective and practice gratitude.
We fight on. Always. We are brave TOGETHER.
xo
So sorry for You! Please keep us updated..how are you?
Did you check your hormones ? mainly progesterone and osterogen ? Osterogen dominance is very common at this age..and can cause lot’s of annoying symptoms just like itch.
Oh Jessica, this SUCKS! I’m so very sorry for you! My hunch is that your Ryan would question you to no end like my Joe would. He sees me scratch an itchy mosquito bite (hello! We live in MINNESOTA where the mosquito is our freakin’ state BIRD!), and he blurts out, “Mom, I see you itching yourself! Is it skin cancer? MELANOMA??? How long do you have???” Or “Mom, is that a lump in your breast? When was your last mammogram? Have you checked yourself regularly? Would you tell me if you had breast cancer?” before I can even eek out the words, “Joe, it’s just a wrinkle in my shirt….” BIG SIGH. Every mom must find the right balance of honesty/transparency and overloading our kids with too much info. , but I think you face a particular challenge with dear Ryan. I pray that you find healing, like, toDAY, and that you never have to face having a hard talk with your young kids about anything life-threatening or life-altering (longer than you’ve already been altered in 8 long weeks and 17 (!!!) appointments.. Prayers for total healing… period.
I hear you. Such a difficult balance and as always you wrote about it beautifully. I take the position that my kids can’t learn compassion without knowing the pain of those they love. I’m honest to an extent. I was in a lot of pain after my hysterectomy last year. I let them know I’m not feeling well or honestly I feel really miserable, but I know if I take good care of myself and with dads and your help I’m going to get better soon. I like to let my kids love on me and they like to be leaned on. But like you said Jess it’s such a fine balance. I’m praying you feel better soon. Love you sister!!
Praying. Hoping for an answer soon.
Hi Jessica. I had no idea this was going on. Omg. I’m so sorry. Do you know Emily Hamilton ? She has had a rash for a while. Off and on. Same symptoms. Has stumped dermo’s etc. gets light treatments etc. might be worth a call. Is there anything I can do????
Love Leah
Gosh…this one really speaks to me. Heavy sigh. When I was at my “most” sick with a mystery disease the kids were 1 and 4 years old. Young enough that they didn’t see me crawling (literally) to bed in tears right after I got them to sleep. It was good enough to be home playing on the floor together…laying on the floor together. They didn’t know mommy was in pain and suffering every day. Luckily I got stronger as they got older, with the diagnosis and long term treatment of Lyme disease. Now that they are 10 & 8, I am pretty transparent with the ongoing management of my new way of life…within reason (I don’t frighten them with every detail, but do complain about my symptoms on bad days, especially when I can’t be the best mom I can be, it’s only fair). And I also show them that you keep getting up and going on. They understand people get sick, and are pretty darn comfortable around illness. They know you have to go to the doctor if you aren’t well, and take care of yourself. I personally think they need to see real life issues in tandem with perseverance, strength and grace. It will teach them empathy, and kindness for others who need support, and give them strength if…and when…it is their turn to go through similar challenges. They gave me strength when I didn’t have it sometimes, and deserve a lot of credit for being the great little people they are, I’m so glad for their family support. Hang in there Jess! I hope your current issue will be resolved soon. Sending you lots of love and good wishes.