It sounds like a country song. Of a crazy-exhausted mom in the middle-of-her-life-crisis needing to rebel and do something wild.
Yes. I totally get that.
But that is not my story today.
I never thought I would get one. I never wanted one. Until now. Several reasons drew me to this place of wanting a tattoo. Actually needing a tattoo. Now.
Last summer I had an “AHA moment” on an airplane ride to Denver. The night before I had had an intense time of sharing and prayer with my Bevies bible study group. I bared my heart about not feeling like I was enough or had enough in me to be the mom Ryan needs.
As I recalled the previous night’s beautiful outpouring of love and care, it hit me.
I had to get a tattoo. I knew it had to be the word GRACE.
As a lover of words, it would only be apropos to have one permanently placed on my body.
I chose the inside of my left wrist so that I would see “grace” every day.
I also chose this place because I DIDN’T DO IT for show and tell and all look-at-biker-chick-rebel-me or I would have chosen a sleeve. (Although I do love it my little ink and I may show you…)
As a daily or even hourly reminder of God’s grace to me, with me, and for me. Yes, a permanent reminder.
As I struggle through the angst of mothering a child with special needs, I OFTEN, OFTEN doubt myself. And as a “typical” mother, too, but its multiplied exponentially in this journey that requires my total guts, strength, heart, endurance, and patience with a capital flipping P.
Yet, I am assured of biblical promises that state:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) I have known this verse forever. BUT I want to k-n-o-w it deep in my soul. And trust it. And trust God for daily grace.
“But when we recognize limitations, then we also recognize when God demonstrates his limitless power. Until we hit our limit, we often assume we can provide, we can deliver, and we can produce….We must never assess a difficulty in light of our own resources but in light of God’s resources.”
–Christine Caine, UNSTOPPABLE
Do I really trust The One who gave me Ryan in the first place? That my broken, ugly, impatient parts are enough to take care of him and not implode with the sheer weight and madness of it? I can’t do it in my own humanness. But with His grace I can.
My husband, Chris, and I describe “waves” we go through with Ryan when his behavioral issues and anxiety are more intense and frequent. We are in one of those waves. We have been trying different medications over the past year to take “the edge” off his anxiety and hopefully decrease his tantrums and meltdowns. I’ve had more frequent visits to the bathroom to remind myself to just breathe, pray and disengage. It’s so easy to forget this truth, that God has given us everything we need for this life. If we seek Him, trust Him, and depend on Him, its there.
And if I forget, (oh I will), I have this pretty little reminder on my wrist that I am gifted with grace for the long haul of this extraordinary situation.
I love my tatted-rebel-biker-chick sister! You are out there with your honesty. Keep it up and I will let you ride my Harley.
I looked up the definition of grace. The first definition is:
1. simple elegance or refinement of movement.
“she moved through the water with effortless grace”
“she has all the social graces”
This pretty much sums you up, Jess. A beautiful and elegant woman.
And of course the second definition is:
2. (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
a divinely given talent or blessing.
“the graces of the Holy Spirit”
Grace – the love and mercy given to you by God. It’s wonderful that you have your reminder on your wrist that he is always with you….especially in that bathroom!!
I can’t think of a better reason or word. You need that constant reminder in those tough places. We went through years of angst with my middle daughter, and still do at times. Years of counselors, doctors, medications, it wears you down.
You’re lucky though. I wish I would have been in the place I am now with God back then. I see his grace in hindsight but I didn’t feel it then, or know that we would survive those years if it were not for his grace.
To be honest, I probably would have tattooed ” breathe!” Or perhaps “don’t kill her!” That’s the reminder I needed A LOT of the time. 😉
Hang in there!
Your honesty & love inspires us all, Jess!! You are a source of strength for many! xoxo
This got me up and running today! Awesome blog. Can’t wait to see your new skin bling. You are the epitome of grace Jessica.
Beautiful jess. Your openness and courage are inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey XOXO
I absolutely love this. When you find that one word/concept to which everything can be boiled down to–and it’s there for you to remember every day (or hour! depends on the day). Elegant in its simplicity. And just a touch of edge that you can totally rock as well :0)
Your words strength and wisdom continually amaze me. You are powerful
I’m your words
And actions and I can’t say enough of
How well you proceed in all aspects of motherhood and life!!’