At this time of year, I pause, and I think of you. The You’s everywhere. And I wonder…is this time, “the happiest time of the year,” really truly joyful for you? Because you are on my heart.
Growing up I didn’t really loooooove the holidays. The holiday time just reminded me once again that I had this crazy-complicated family story.
Parents divorced.
Multiple times.
Lots of half-siblings. Step-siblings.
A family tree that requires lots of extra branches and explanations.
Different faiths.
As a child you don’t appreciate the differences and uniqueness of your family. You don’t see them as human people with hearts and stories and backgrounds. When you are a perfectionist child, you want your family to look like the Norman Rockwell painting.
Which we did not.
Not even close.
Then you grow up. You understand more. You heal from disappointments.
You love more, love just because, love without conditions and contingencies.
I didn’t really start loving the holidays till I met Chris and we were married. We created our own ways and traditions. I gladly globbed onto his family’s many traditions. And they lovingly pulled me in and hugged me tight.
I began to embrace my family-of-origin story more. I saw my family and me-with-them in a new light. My heart softer, more open.
I don’t grieve at the holidays like I used to. And honestly, I DO LOVE my family get-togethers. I have a really sweet, fun, lively, caring family. I love hosting them all in my home throughout the year. Or when they take turns hosting in theirs. I appreciate each person as a person, a personality, and a soul with a thousand million things going on inside.
But for SOME of you, the holidays are laden with loneliness, heartache, painful memories, depression or anxiety. You are in tough, fear-laden circumstances, or in relationships that are hurtfully binding. You’ve recently experienced unexpected tragedies or diagnoses. JOY does not seem possible to you right now.
The wanting of something undeliverable in shiny gold wrapping paper and a red bow is very REAL to you. It feels powerfully scarce right now.
So I pause, I pray, for you, whether I know you by name or heart or story. You are thought of. I am sending you love, and hope for healing, for dreaming of new possibilities in 2016, and scars that no longer singe your soul.
Merry Happy Whatever it is you celebrate Dear Ones. xoxo
Dana says
I love this. It’s true…so many emotions and feelings come to the surface during the holidays. The joys, the losses, the memories (good and bad) all come to visit us like the ghosts in A Christmas Carol. The hope is that we can take all of these experiences and find the blessings in them all. Sending you lots of love, joy and peace, my sweet friend! xo
Jean O'Shaughnessy says
Love this Jessica! So true in so many ways. Holidays have been awful for me since losing my parents. They made everything so magical and doted on my kids like none other. I have to reach down deep to find that happiness now in front of my kids. But what you wrote is a good reminder or me to keep on digging! Merry Christmas to you! Xoxo!
Cynthia MacPhee says
I have often felt confused by my own melancholy during a supposedly joyful season. Just starting to relax and enjoy the actual Christmas I experience, rather than the one I imagine I should be experiencing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and memories so eloquently Jess!
Kim says
This is beautiful my friend. Though grieving May last for a night, Joy comes in the morning. That is my prayer for all of us going through difficulty this season. Joy. Somehow. Someway. Love you.
Paria says
Poetry……you need to urgently submit this to Scary Mommy or every other big mommy blog site…. beautiful.
Jan says
Well written as always!
Love
Ade says
Love you! Thanks for this, friend! I just put up our tree but at my dad’s house, and it felt good to get it out. I also dig out a few of my mom’s woodland Santa’s, all while my dad way at an appt, and when he walked in the door, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me. I think this Christmas might be okay. xoxox